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All I can say is that sometimes I feel all zen with the decision to wean my baby boy. And then sometimes I feel like I’m trying to squeeze into a dress that’s too small. It just doesn’t feel right.
I question why. And then I remind my very sleep deprived psyche that it needs to catch a few Zzz’s. Like, pronto.
I wander into memories of lazy days before-babies. Rolling out of bed at noon on a Saturday morning. Ahhh, stretch. Roll shoulders back. My husband would say, in his impossibly gorgeous morning voice, “Heyyyy baby, wanna get breakfast?”. We’d finally stroll over to the diner for a super size spinach and feta omelet with a side of salty hashbrowns. Oh, save me. Sometimes I’d even pass on coffee. Can you imagine??? By the time we’d get home it’d be 3pm.
Ha!
Anyway, on one side of the breast pad, it feels like the right time to wean D-Boy…. for A NAP. But really, he’s blossoming into the kinda guy that knows what he wants, which makes me puff with praise, BUT I have a feeling that if I continue breastfeeding him, I’m going to have battles over my very own skin.
I’m the adult here. I have good instinct, if I may say so myself, and lately I’ve been getting this victorious feeling about the whole Mama’s milk thing. I’m high in the air – feet off the ground, arms up, with a basket ball in my hand, ready to slam dunk… and YESSSSSSSSSs!!! I did it! Me!!!??!!
When I look back on all that I encountered, I am in awe of myself. Seriously. Breastfeeding wasn’t a cake walk for me. Though the sweet goodness that came from giving sustenance to my babies dulled any hardships I met along the way. The warm rush of closeness, the tranquility, the soul-to-soul connection, the bliss… that is what we experienced.
I nursed D-Boy for 17 months. And I nursed his sweet big sister the same amount of time. I did the math the other night. It’s wild to know I’ve breastfed children for 34 months of my life.
But I digress.
It’s kind of like walking away from great success at its peak – as opposed to leaving afterwards. There’s something about closing a chapter on a high note that makes everyone involved feel good.
I’m not weaning because I don’t want to breastfeed him anymore, but (primarily) because my sleep bank has a deficit that I can’t even fix with a caffeine bail out. I’m so freaking tired that I’m leaving fresh cold milk containers in the sippy-cup cupboard. Great. There’s 4 bucks down the drain. I’m so damn tired that I can’t stay awake to read, paint, make jewelry or kiss my husband. Which sucks, and not the good kind. I’m just dusted and disgusted. And I need a shower. But I’m too tired. So forget it. I’ll just jump in the bubble bath with Girl-E and D-Boy next time and get the important parts done.
Ay-yay-yay.
What does sleep have to do with breasfeeding my 17 month old baby boy? The thing is, we moonlight. Anytime after midnight has become fair game. And he’s like a moth to a flame. I have all kinds of excuses reasons why my toddler baby is up all night, but I’ll spare us all from that unusually long list. The facts are: I want to hang out with my husband who gets home around 8pm. Then we have dinner around 9pm. Then we crash at about 11pm. Then D-Boy usually wakes around 1am’ish, then again at 4am, and then he’s up for the day.
And I’m not the kinda girl who can sleep with my titty in a mouth. Nope. So up, I am. (Insert coffee)
On the flip side of this breast pad, I’m sad about weaning. I get a serving of lump-throat with a side of salty tears when he signs “babyfood” now. There’s something so wrong about avoiding his request, when all along I’ve watched for his cue. I wonder if he feels tricked? Betrayed? Sometimes he goes with it and moves on. BUT he totally gives me the “side eye” like he knows I’m up to somethin’. Busted. Other times, he’s like, “Hello?! Let me sit on your lap… and get me some lovin’, Mama!”. Not literally, but you know. THAT LOOK.
It seems the only way to wean him is to change the type of affection I’m giving him. Keep his back to my chest, no lap-sitting, chest-to-chest holding. TRIGGER. Now it’s the “walk and hold”, no “sit and cuddle” on the love seat. Oh, not the love seat. TRIGGER. Bathe with a sports bra on, lest he spies his beloveds. TRIGGER. Yes, I bathe with my children. If it creeps you out, then move on. Piggy back rides, rolling on the floor, sitting with a pillow between us. It’s like putting an ocean between us compared to how we normally roll. It’s heart wrenching, really. But, I think I can resume the TRIGGER stuff again at some point. Right? I hope I can.
I just don’t want this to end. It’s so sad. I’m going to miss the way we stare into each other’s eyes. The way he plays with my hair, twirling it into a knot. The way with fiddle our fingers. The way he twists my pearl earrings. The way he plays with his toes. The way we are when we do what we do. I just ache over this.
But, I do think it’s time. I do.
I think.
D-Boy is 17 months now. He’s a climber. A runner. A little dude with energy. I think it’s time.
I think.
But now that I’ve decided to wean my sweet little boy from breastfeeing, I find myself weeping over it. I was folding laundry this morning, and came across a few 6 month sized onsies and I felt this lump rise in my throat. The tears filled my eyes, blurring the tiny red trucks and trains I was now inhaling. My heart is aching over this choice I’m making.
I know we’ve had a good run. It just makes me feel sad to let this go.
He’s growing up so quickly. Suddenly, saying words without being prompted. Jumping with both feet in the air. Telling me when his diaper is soiled. Asking me for a car ride. Trying to put on his own shoes. Helping me empty the dishwasher. Teasing his big sister. Ordering our dog around. It’s a beautiful evolution… and I’m so proud, even though it’s taking us farther away from his infancy. I know I just want to hold on to my baby boy.
He’s more demanding about my breasts now. Pushing my shirt up, my bra down. He’s developing a very strong will. He’s attached. And I love that. I don’t mind him going to my breasts for comfort. I’m just starting to sense that it’s going to be more difficult for him to wean as time passes. So, we’re starting.
Plus, I also want to have my body back, fully, to myself. Since, February of 2006 (WHEW!!) I’ve been either nursing or pregnant. 4 years. Wow. I also weaned Girl-E at 17 months. So, on some level, I feel it’s the right time. “Nursed them both until 17 months”, you know?
So, I recently stopped the night time feedings. We were in a hazy loop of sleep deprivation. The pattern went something like this…
D-Boy wakes between midnight and 1:30am.
We bring him into our bed.
He calms quickly as soon as he gets my tender nip in his mouth. Most attempts to unlatch result in a sudden waking, which means, “Whaaaaaaaaa!!”, for him AND me. So, I cave. Back on the breast. Need sleep to be horizontal, head on my pillow, body on my mattress, snug under the covers. Inhale deep… he smells so goooood.
But. I was exhausted. I can’t really sleep with my nipple is in his mouth. Especially when I twist and lean myself over him so he can reach the other breast, so I don’t have to flip us both on the other side. Just too much trouble at 3:17am, you know? Lazy. Now my back is hurting all the time. I was sleep hungry. Always. Always tirrrred.
We worked on a new plan for night-time. Meaning, he stays in his crib. Needs to sleep in his own bed.
So, we alternated, my husband and I, going to his room at night when he woke. Making ourselves comfortable on his bedroom floor, next to his crib. Encouraing him to go back to sleep. NOT taking him out. There was crying. But not hysterics. A few weeks later, he was sleeping through the night.
Ah. Sleeeeep.
I was still tired… cause DAMN that took a lot of work. BUT, I’m not sleeping resting with my shirt hiked up to my collar bone, chilled, nipple stretched, back twisted, and stealthily planning my next unlatch, only to start over again when I slip the nip. Ay-yay-yay.
So, I thought the “sleep in your crib” battle was behind us, but has for some reason (maybe teething?), resurfaced over the last three nights. I spent the better part of last night this early morning (from 3:15-5:15am) on his floor with his giant sized, though soft, Winne the Pooh under my head. I love Pooh, but I like my bed better. No offense, honey bear.
What does all of this have to do with weaning D-boy? I don’t know. I’m just spilling.
So, this is my plan. I’m going to journal about weaning us from the breastfeeding experience. See if I can glean some insight from my notes.
Wish me luck, strength and a nice long nap.
Oh my God. This is ridiculous.
Once again, I walk out of a store and I realize there’s something I haven’t paid for.
I remember the first time this happened. My baby and I were at the mall with a new Mom friend. We walked into the Gap. I found a pair of baby jeans I wanted to look over, so I hooked them onto the handle of my stroller. In the chaos that followed (a blow-out diaper, breastfeeding, and a snack break in the changing room) I forgot the jeans and walked right out. About an hour later as we were about to leave the mall, I saw the jeans dangling from the side of my stroller, and I was like….. “Oh, no!”.
My new Mom friend was, like, “SCORE!!!”.
I was, like, “No, NOT a score. Are you serious?”. She was convinced I should keep them.
I was mortified.
Shaking my head, embarrassed, tail between my legs, I marched back into the Gap, walked over to the rack and put them back. The security guard was clueless and the cashier welcomed me back, thinking I’d forgot something. Uh, yeah. I forgot something alright.
Anyway, I’ve had plenty of similar episodes like this since I’ve become a stroller-lady. Some of the inadvertent thievery takes days to reveal itself, buried in the folds of my monstrosity of a stroller. Like today. I’m rummaging through the basket under my stroller, looking for a pair of gloves and I found a new box of Tinkerbell crayons. Where did those come from? I have no idea. I should ask my little girl. Maybe this is contagious.
The thing is, I often shop with my stroller as the shopping cart, cause I’ve got STUFF. You know, a big diaper bag, two toddlers, drinks, bags, hand wipes, etc. Plus, I’m kinda icked out by shopping carts. So, I stack my planned purchases on the stroller. It just so happens that my middle name is Swiper.
I knew I liked something about that pesky little fox.
But seriously, I’m not a thief. Never have been.
Not unless you count the time when I was like, 6. I asked my Mom if I could have that cute little bag of Chicklets in the check out lane at Publix grocery store. She said no. I said ok. And then I started to salivate. So I took them anyway. It was only when she spied me in the rear view mirror on the way home, chomping on those delicious little bits, that she realized I stole them. So, she made a U-turn and ushered me right back into Publix. She got the manager, told me to return the contents of the bag and give him a biiiig apology. He stared down at me with his big glasses, and feigned a scold of some sort. All I know is it scared me but good.
Never did it again.
Until now.
Nice, huh?
Has anyone else become a clepto at the door of motherhood?
Me: Yes, I still breastfeed my baby.
Her: Oh! Um. He’s like, walking.
Me: Yep! Since 13 months. I’m so proud! (Knowing EXACTLY where she’s going).
Her: And how old is he now? (Creepy face emerging)
Me: Almost 16 months. He’s so precious! (Stomping her implications out.)
Her: So, when are you going to stop? Don’t those teeth hurt?
Me: Hmmm? (Pause.) Can I ask if you breastfed your baby?
Her: I didn’t even try. It was too much… Plus, I have a job. You stay at home with your kids, right?
Me: Right. (Here it comes…)
Her: Don’t you get bored?
Me: (Raised eyebrow. Getting annoyed.) Not at all. (Ew.)
Her: I couldn’t stand being at home all day changing diapers. I need adult interaction. How do you sing the ABC’s all day? Please. I need more stimulation.
Me: Right. (Is it me or is this Mama spitting like a venomous snake???)
Her: Anyway. Want to do a playdate this weekend?
Me: Uh. No.
Her: Yeah. I’m kinda busy, too. I’ll check my calendar. Maybe next weekend? I can get the sitter.
Me: Huh? (Faking distraction. Is she serious?)
Her: Well, maybe another time. We’ve GOT TO get together.
Me: Right. (Like, in another life, sister!!)
Well there you have it. Another weird Mama moment.
You know? It’s annoying. I’m not your mirror, lady. If you feel bad about something you do, or don’t do with your children, take your guilt somewhere else.
We’re all doing what comes naturally. And it’s different for each of us. What up with all the passive aggressive bullshit? I can’t stand it.
Is it only me?
Suffice it to say that it’s been a busy few months at my crib. My little guy has tackled a few milestones lately and while I’m sticky with sweet adoration, I could also use a nap. A long one.
I would call this time in my life, being a SAHM of 2 kids (3yrs and 1 yr), a bona fide marathon. And while I’m not an athlete, I can sure as hell hang with the toughest little kid on my block. His name is D-Boy, he’s 15 months, and he can kick some serious diapers.
Since December, he’s:
-Had 3 ear infections and a few viruses. Which have been no laughing matter, really. It’s been a hard road. Poor little guy.
-Sprouted 3 molars. Oh, the pain, the drool and midnight rendezvous. Thank you, Tylenol, for your ever lasting support.
-Learned to walk. From 0 to 60 in a few days. And his big sister thanks him for coming through with her birthday candle wish.
-Figured out how to climb. And wants to conquer every mountain in his path. A flash of wonder met my heart when this first started. But now, I’m just a harried mess waiting for the spill of all spills.
-Using a spoon. And he can eat all by himself, thank you very much.
-Throwing food long distances. Maybe he’ll use those arms to hug a tree one day. Until then, I’ll keep the hose close by.
-Learned to shoot water from his mouth, kind of like one of those spectacular Vegas fountains. So much for leak-proof sippy cups. Um? Loop hole.
So, let me explain his latest development. It’s a good one. And I’m not sure why it’s not an official milestone. Cause from where I stand, it shows great restraint and comprehension.
D-Boy is a real taste tester. Ev-ery-thing goes into his mouth. If it makes it to his fingers, it’s goin’ in. Period. If he were on that Top Chef episode where they blindfold the contestant and play “guess that flavor”, he’d take it home.
So, it wasn’t lost on me when he found a dangerous splinter (from our wood floor) and instead of darting behind his play-pen for a munch, he brought it over to me, and fingered it into my hand.
Gulp. If he would’ve gnawed on that… well, let’s not go there.
Oh, joy!! He didn’t eat it! My relief was tangible. So, as far as I’m concerned, we’ve entered a new milestone.
Let’s call it, “Knows when to keep his mouth shut”.
Well, at least until his teen years.
Now, it’s nice to use coupons, make your own coffee, etc. BUT, when it comes to change you can see, as in, in your BANK, there are a few things that really impact the bottom line.
REFINANCE!! Refinance your mortgage. Interest rates are lower now than they’ve been for a while. It’s not a big deal to get it going. Seriously. So, call your mortgage lender TODAY and ask them:
1. Do you have a NO-FEE refinance program?
2. How much money would I save per month if I refinanced today?
I had a 25 minute conversation with my mortgage lender, signed the (closing package) paperwork they sent in the mail and I’m now saving $156 per month. Oh, yeeeeeaaahhhh!!!
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Also, you’d be SHOCKED at how much money you can save on your insurance policies. First things first, if you have insurance with various companies, consider consolidating. I’ve grouped all of our insurance (car, home and life insurance) in State Farm. Call your insurance carrier and ask them for discounts.
The car insurance discounts we get:
-Low mileage
-Multi-car
-Good driving
-Vehicle stability – features on the car that prevent accident, i.e., traction control
-Anti-lock break
-Multi-line (for having car and home)
-Accident free
Also, make sure they calculate your premium based on your CURRENT address. When we relocated from the city to the suburbs, we saved $150 on each premium!
After all of these discounts on our car insurance, we save over 50%. No joke!
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Cable
For YEARS we were paying for all of the premium channels (like Showtime, HBO, pay-per view, and stuff like that) and rarely used the majority of them. Though, I did watch Weeds (I loved that show), sometimes, The L-word, and the occasional HBO program. The thing is? That package, I think they call it the “Gold package”, is $50 PER MONTH charge. Right. Like gold. Anyway, it seemed like a no-brainer saving opp. So, when we relocated, I nixed the premium and chose the “family package” instead. Lest, we deprive our little ones of the Backyardigans, and we’re FAR TOO attached to Pablo and Uniqua, but I digress. Now, this would mean I’d have to get over my Weeds fix, but luckily they’ve got it on DVD if I really want to catch-up.
So, we saved $50 PER MONTH. That’s $600 per year. I think that qualifies for this BIG savings category.
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These are just a few examples of how we save big. So, pick up that phone and call your billers if you aren’t already getting these savings, too. They certainly won’t offer better rates, unless you inquire. And let me tell you:
That refinance we did, saving $150 per month? We bought a whole-life insurance policy for me with that money. Even Steven.
That money we save on our car insurance? Goes straight into our savings.
And the $600 per year we save on our cable? Goes to college savings for our kiddies.
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So!? I ask you. Do you have any Penny Hoarding tips to share? I’d LOVE to hear them!
When I was pregnant with my first baby, I heard about babies and sign-language and I thought I’d look into it. It seemed like a great activity to incorporate into my new SAHM world. It occurred to me that I might need to think about what I would do with my new little person, besides cuddle, nurse, change diapers and watch her when she slept. And if she learned a few words, especially those related to her needs, well, that might be a cool thing for both of us.
I learned the alphabet in sign when I was a kid. And to this day, I remember it. But besides that, I only knew, “I Love you”. Oh, and the universal, middle finger. Which I get a kick out of, but reserve for rare occasions.
Anyway, I started with a baby-signing book, called SIGN with your BABY – Baby Sign Language (ASL) Kit .
I flipped through the laminated reference page and realized how intuitive most of the vocabulary was. I started with just one sign word, “Milk” (or, “Babyfood” as we call it in our house). I started when Girl-E was around 3 months – just trying to get in the habit myself, I used the milk sign when we began nursing. She started to notice that I was moving my hands when she was about 4 months. But I’m sure she just thought I was animated, or something. Because, I kinda am.
Then when I started solids, at around 6 months, and she was sitting in the highchair, I used the “More” sign. Then, “Eat” and ”Drink”. The actual signs are simple. You know, like, “drink” is motioning the cup at your mouth taking a drink. It’s an easy gesture. Plus, it was a fun way to interact during the day.
I though, maybe this sign-thing would take. Maybe it wouldn’t. Either way, I didn’t push it.
Then one night, at 9 months, Elyse was fussing and crying in an uncharacteristic way before bed. She was all worked-up. And even after I tried the nursing, diaper, rocking chair, lullabye, change environment, routine – she was still fit to be tied.
Aaaah! Save me!!
So, we were standing in the dimly lit kitchen at 8pm. Holding her close to my chest, trying to lull her in a rhythmic chant, she pushed away from my chest, looked me straight in the eye, and signed… “drink”.
What?
WHAT!?
Pause.
Oh! Right!!!! I know that hand movement!
So I got her a sippy cup of water, handed it to her and she gulped it down lickety-split. The entire 6 ounces!???
And that was it. Can you imagine? I never would have thought to give her water at that stage in our bedtime process. It’s not something we ever do. She has water with dinner, but not hours later. She would have been thirsty for who-knows-how-long before I would’ve thought about that. If at all.
But she told me. She got it. She knew I got it, too. And the relief on her face was priceless.
And that was the beginning of my mission to teach her how to communicate her needs with me during the frame of time when, developmentally, she wasn’t able to speak.
This was a breakthrough for us.
From those basic words, I expanded. There are a ton of sign language websites out there. Just google “ASL” (American Sign Language) for free online dictionaries. There are a ton of books out there, too. My local library has a great selection. But I mostly used that laminated card and online ASL dictionaries. Everything from animals, food stuff, day-to-day routine things (like change diaper, bath time, meal time), people, places, things, activities, feelings, etc. We’d often flip through a picture dictionary and she’d ask me for the sign word on just about everything she came across. Suddenly, by 18 months she had a massive vocabulary.
The older she got, the more she used her spoken words. And eventually, we kind of let the sign drift, as it was replaced with her new exciting skill… talking, talking and more talking. And more talking!
But what I learned early on in our sign-language journey, was that she knew how to talk to me, and she knew that I understood her. We had an unspoken language that gave her the feeling of being understood. Her needs and wants were being answered and it felt great to experience this level of communication with her while she was in diapers. (Most) Tantrums were thwarted because she could communicate with me. And that was a HUGE bonus, to say the least. Though, there were many times she’d ask/sign to watch a show, and I’d sign, “not now, later”… and well, there’s not a whole lot I can do about her reaction! But you get what I mean!
And now I’ve got my second baby, he’s 15 months young, using sign, too. And once again, it’s just a fabulous tool for fun and communication in our home. His big sister has reignited her sign language and is a big contributor to what he’s learned. They sign together, too, which is so sweet!
He also tells me when he’s teething and when his ear hurts (he’s been prone to ear infections). It’s pretty amazing. On a lighter note, he lights up to tell me he sees an elephant, alligator, cat, hat, car, shoe… you name it, on the pages of his favorite books. The excitement in his eyes tells me he’s proud and it’s a really sweet feeling to share this with him.
Anyway, I wonder if any of you sign with your kids? Or if you’re thinking about using sign with your baby? I’d love to hear your stories about this subject!
Now that I’m a Mom, I feel more fragile, more vulnerable.
On one hand, from the moment I became pregnant I knew I was more powerful than I ever realized. I harnessed the strength to carry a baby and give birth. No small feat. Right? And then I did it again two years later, without an epidural. Yes, I know I’m a strong woman now for sure.
On the other hand, I sometimes feel vulnerable. I can be strong all I want. But I can’t defend myself, my husband or my children against the things I am powerless over. Like, I worry, particularly if I let my mind wander, about random awful things happening.
Does that happen to you, too?
It’s not like I walk around looking over my shoulder or avoid leaving the house. These thoughts don’t prevent me from living a full, fun, adventurous life. But when I go about my daily business, it occurs to me, that our lives are fragile. That crazy, unexpected things happen all the time and sometimes those outcomes are catastrophic.
My Mother’s father died when she was two, and my fear is likely linked to her experience. The ripple his death left in her family was something they didn’t ever seem to shake.
Hurricane Andrew, that cab driver, 911, my sister’s ex, the 2004 tsunami… are just some of the “too close” moments I’ve had, and they flicker in my psyche, reminding me not to take any day for granted.
But my worries are also anchored in the everyday stories of families that are blindsided by tragedy.
I know I’m really running with this fear stuff, and it’s probably because we’ve been procrastinating with getting our wills done. We have two children and we haven’t designated a guardian.
I know. It’s terrible.
More than terrible.
For fuck’s sake. Of all things to procrastinate on. It’s driving me crazy.
It’s NOT making a choice that’s worse than MAKING a choice. And as it stands today, if anything should happen to both of us, the court system would make this choice for us. It’s giving me agita.
One thing I know for sure is, I can’t die. Not that I ever thought I could before. But the thought of ANYONE else raising our children makes me want to cry… in fact it already has. And at some point, we all just have to swallow that awful pill, realize that NO ONE could ever do it like we would, and let the topic go.
I need help.
What have you done about this? Have you and your partner disagreed? If so, how did you come to common ground? What have you learned? Do you even have a will yet?
So Girl-E is summing up to 40 pounds now. How ever did she get to that weight? I’m so happy she nursed for 17 months and ate like an ox until her 2nd birthday, cause the girl’s just decided that she doesn’t want much of anything to eat these days. “No fanks!” is all I get. Well, at least she’s polite about it.
This has been going on for the better part of a year. Like, seriously.
I want to giggle at her matter-of-fact swagger and cringe at the impending power struggle all at the same time. I’ll jump through freakin’ circus hoops like a clumsy elephant, making 4 meals in a row to fill her up before she hits the sack. But, nope.
Hmph!
Her “pass go” food list is as brief as her years are young. She immediately rejects anything unfamiliar. She won’t smell it. She won’t even lick it. She’ll even gag if it passes her picky pucker. As soon as her little nose starts to crinkle, I’ve already started to think about the next offering. It’s ridiculous. I can’t believe I’m doing this.
Continue reading Cheese & Crackers
How else do I save money??
I bring our lunch, snacks & drinks when we go out. Otherwise, I’ll easily spend $15 on lunch. My on-the-go meals? PB&J, cheese and crackers, yogurt drinks, nuts, raisins, freeze-dried fruit, sliced fruit, ziplocks of snacky stuff, and jarred babyfood for D-Boy. Sippy cups with water. I even bring my own ice coffee in a super size thermos to avoid the itch when I pass a Dunkin Donuts. That $2.79 adds up if I do it 3-4 times a week. The few times I’ve bought a coffee drink at Starbucks, I end up feeling like I was duped, so I don’t bother (too often).
Continue reading Penny Pinching, Part 2
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